Flashes of Life

So I could not sleep last night, I had a pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks, my favorite in the fall. I NEVER really drink caffeine so I was up and could not sleep. I made Rob stay up too and we were talking about when Olivia was born. I said to him "the last time I felt like I had total control over everything was the morning before we left the hospital." He found this odd but I explained I felt rushed getting out of the hospital, he was eager to get home, after 5 days on a not so comfy hospital cot, and having people come in every hour or so to "check" on us. So the second my mom arrived he was packing the car and getting the nurse to wheel me out. At that moment I remember thinking but wait I am not ready yet...

I feel like that is how everything since then has been. I was not ready for Olivia to hit any of her milestones. Although I was excited when she did I was not "Ready". I feel like it was yesterday that we were leaving the hospital and now I have this all grown up form of a baby on the brink of toddlerhood. She cruises around the furniture, shakes her head no and does awesome tricks like put her hands above her head when you say so big. I have mixed emotions about her getting bigger, I long for the early days when she would sleep on my chest and let me hold her, now she has about a 30 second cuddle span. She is all over the place I can only imagine what her little brain is going through as she takes it all in.

We are embarking on 9 months and I am not ready for that either. Soon she will be one, time is flying and I wish it would just slow down for a bit and let me catch up. I want to enjoy every stage so I never forget what it was like with her. I cry just at the thought of how much I love this little butterfly that is growing right before my eyes, I don't want to miss a thing. I am almost obsessed with it I want to be the best that I can be and I want to make sure she is always safe and happy. I think this may be what motherhood is about. My mom used to say, "Don't try and grow up so fast, you will miss all life has to offer." I never got it until last night what she meant. I just hope that I am not missing life as it flashes before my eyes!